Recurring patterns

Ugh, everyone has their own habits and rituals that they continuously fall into time after time. In most cases, everyone knows what patterns they tend to follow, they even know how and when it starts. Yet, again and again, we continue to let ourselves end up in these shitty situations that we knew we could have avoided had we just had a bit more common sense.

Why do we allow ourselves to let this happen to us? Even more importantly, how can we learn to avoid these situations and save ourselves a lot of heartache. What makes things even harder is that in between these moments of stupidity, we do the opposite of that thing we shouldn't be doing. Everything's going well, there's no heartache, then boom, out of nowhere something comes along that makes you fall back in to your old ways. Sometimes it's hard to predict what will happen, but sometimes you really know you shouldn't do something, but you do anyway. Why? Because it makes you feel good and you think, as always, maybe this time things will work out. You get caught up in it and everything is perfect. From time to time you have moments of realization where you wish you could pull back out, but at the same time you're just too happy to worry about it. "Fuck it," you say "I'll deal with the outcome later. For now, I just want to enjoy this." Because you've truly convinced yourself that somehow, someeeehowwwww, you will be able to be so amazing that things will have to go your way.

"You idiot." your conscience murmurs out in a cold rasp voice, somewhere deep in the back of your mind. You hear him, you agree, but that doesn't change anything.
So you stay on track, pummeling down your path of disillusionment at full throttle, horn tutting and smoke puffing.

Then you start to hit real roadblocks. Things that knock you back in to reality, that replace the good feelings in your chest to bad feelings in your stomach. These moments if realization remind you of all the other times you got in to similar situations. You start to take a step back and look at your situation. To your dismay, you realise you've already gone to far and there's no turning back. You've knowingly put yourself in to a situation that was bound to turn out bad and now you've reached the point where whatever happends, you're bound to get hurt. All the things that made you happy over the past while will eventually make your heart colapse upon itself and your throat become painfully dry and sinking.

"Why couldn't things have worked out this time? Why couldn't I have had a bit of luck for once? Why must I lead myself on all the time? Why can't I discern between reality and what I want to believe? Why did things seem like everything was aligned correctly, that somehow a small part of destiny played a role in what has been happening to you? How could you have been so wrong?! So stupid!"

Yes, it's human nature for us to fuck up. I won't deny that. Yes, I'm not alone when it comes to making this mistake. I'll get over it. Fine. but is it? If you just let it pass, if you deal with the bad feelings and return to a state of content, won't you just repeat the same mistake? Should something be done?

The problem is, if you try to do something about it, it will undoubtedly make things that much worse. It will create a rift and essentially break all of the good things you might have been able to salvage had you just let it dwindle down.
Either you do something about it, and make things worse, with potentially the possibility of at least feeling like you followed through with everything. Or, you just slowly get over it and try to forget it ever happened.

Fuck, life is hard. Its so, so beautiful and amazing. It makes me want to cry sometimes. Especially when you have the embodiement of happyness, joy, beauty, compassion, sorrow, intelligence and every other powerfull emotion in front of you, and there's no way you can have it.

It's so confusing, because you just want to say "Fuck this" and remove these feelings you have, you just want to find something to replace them. You want to move on and not run the risk of seriously getting hurt.
But at the very same time, you don't want to lose everything that you've gained, you fear how horrible life would be without the things you've grown to love. You want to hold on for as long as possible untill everything comes appart and there's no pretending anymore.

Ultimately, who knows what's going to happen, anything could. That's life. No matter how much you play your cards right, no matter how much you try your best for thinsg to work out or no matter how bad things are going, anything could happen at any time. With a bit of luck, hopefully things can eventually take a turn for the best.
Haha, there it is again, my heart trying to trick my conscience into believing I have a chance.

Sigh, blasted recurring patterns.